The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She's the barista slut.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
