I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
