i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
