So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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