Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
