When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
