Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
