Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
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I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
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Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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