the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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