i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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