I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
