one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
