I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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