dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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