No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
