one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
