I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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