My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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