There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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