my phone needs a breathalizer
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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