My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
