I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im six kinds of drunk right now
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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