my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
