Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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