Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
