dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
