I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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