we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You peed on a flamingo?!?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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