His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
