You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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