Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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