good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
