I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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