final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
