You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
