Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
