Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
