I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Boobs are out for the taking
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
