I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
