im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
