i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Your penis caused this!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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