A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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