Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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