Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
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What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
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How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I pour the whiskey from now on
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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