just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
