I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You are the jesus of drinking
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
