I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
