If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
