smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
