Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
