I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
