God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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