I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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