she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
