Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
What did we do last night that was yellow?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
