Just took my morning after pill in the library
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
